Military Family Members and Anticipatory Grief

Wow. There's a name for it! And now I feel like I can attack it, if I know that it's there.

I mean, I KNEW it was there because of how everyone I know looks at me. Like they wish they could say or do something to make me better but they are afraid that no matter what they say/do...I'll start leaking again.

I hate that I make others feel uncomfortable around me when they only want me to be me again.

I opened GoArmyParents.com today and found this article posted and thought, "AHA! IT'S NOT JUST ME! I'M NOT GOING INSANE!!!"

So since it's not just me and I thought others might not be aware that THEY aren't the only ones going through it, I thought I'd share:

Anticipatory Grief by Kristin Henderson

While my husband, a Navy chaplain, was in Iraq with the Marines, I imagined a knock at my door. I imagined uniformed Marines telling me that my husband was dead. I imagined the funeral. I did this regularly until my husband was safely home in my arms.

I thought I was the only one with such a morbid imagination until I began researching my book about military families, "While They're at War." Chaplain Jeffrey Watters described how he and other chaplains on Fort Bragg, NC, had noticed a wave of grief sweeping through the families on the homefront.

"They were exhibiting the same symptoms as those who are grieving over a loved one with a terminal illness," Watters told me. Then he listed the symptoms.

My mouth dropped open. I'd had many of those symptoms during my husband's deployment. I had cried in the shower, sometimes felt like I couldn't get enough air, and one day in church had an almost uncontrollable urge to get up and run out. Not only did I not know all this craziness had a name -- anticipatory grief -- I didn't know there were techniques to cope with it.

It turns out that anticipatory grief is common among homefront families during a wartime deployment. We're so afraid of losing the one we love that our bodies start to react as if they're already dead. The symptoms include:
-- tightness in the throat or chest
-- shortness of breath
-- sensitivity to loud noises
-- forgetfulness and difficulty concentrating
-- agitation and restlessness, like an anxiety attack
-- extreme hunger or lack of appetite
-- crying jags
-- headaches
-- insomnia
-- drug use or excessive drinking

Grief is nothing to be ashamed of. It's a normal human emotion, and grieving people typically move through five phases: denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance and hope. Not everyone experiences all these phases, and they may not occur in that order. But any of those responses are normal, even if the one you love is alive and kicking.

Continue reading the rest of the article here...

I'd Like To Get Off The Deployed Army Mom Train Please

I'm not sure I'm really cut out for this. I thought I was. I tried really hard. Now I'm wishing I could find a "do over" button and go back and talk Mike into doing something less dangerous in a less hostile place. He was supposed to go to Full Sail for game design. That was pretty safe! Well, actually, now that I think of it from that angle, I do know of people there with major drug problems so...ok, that one is out. Dang. Now that I think of it, I don't think anything is safe enough.

*sigh*

I guess I would rather have a kid who is confident in what he's doing and making a difference than a kid who is just surviving and not really happy with life.

Man, I just talked myself out of a full blown anxiety attack. For now. Thanks for listening. If I start talking at home, my kids pick up on me being upset and then it will include my husband and then my mom and it just escalates and no one can function.

Going to try to work now...thanks again for listening!

:)

He's officially in the desert

I'm almost excited about it. I think this could be an amazing adventure for him. Ok, so people will be shooting at him but still...how many people get stuck in a 9-5 job with no excitement, no thrills...He has never been out of the US before this. Now he will experience life from so many points of view.

I'm choosing to make this a positive thing. I've decided I won't be giving in to fear and spending my time worrying. It's such a waste of time. Really, will me worrying do him any good? And he's over there ensuring freedom prevails. What good is me confining my mind to worrying about him. It goes against what he is fighting for.

So I choose to use this as a learning experience for the girls. They've already learned where a few new places are when he called from them. Google Earth is on full time duty now. LOL I am also teaching them not to waste their time worrying. Michelle is far too prone to do that already.

Of course, I can't guarantee I won't break down every once in a while. I figure every other day for the first few months isn't too bad. :P

Gotta get back to work. I'm going away for the weekend and want to get all my stuff sorted before I leave.

Have a great day and an even better weekend!!