I feel so guilty now but I really almost wish Mike hadn't called me tonight.
I was at a dinner event with about 20 people and my daughters were calling me because they thought I should be done already so I was attempting to turn off the ringer and Mike's call came in just as I was hitting buttons and it hung up on him. OMG! I almost died. Then it rang again and was him so I jumped up and ran out and answered and he was so incredibly hostile! He was angry and complaining about losing minutes because I didn't answer and about how the Army sucks and he was stupid for joining and he wished someone would just shoot him and how morons keep making him lose phone time, and about how no one writes, and on and on. I know he's under pressure and it's hard on him, but I was so shaken up by missing his first call and then by being yelled at...I just lost it and started crying and then he sounded like he was upset about me being upset and....well, it was just a totally crappy call. After all the effort to support him and make sure I tried to keep him encouraged, this was most likely his last call during AIT and it was just everything it shouldn't have been.
And just to make the whole thing worse, I went back in to my dinner and someone asked me a question and when I tried to answer I just burst into tears.
If I hadn't been in a room with at least 4 veterans and another Army mom, I'd have been really embarrassed.
I have never wanted to get someone back on the phone to make it all right this bad in my life. I can't stop crying every time I think about it. I know he needed to vent, I just wish I had been prepared for it, or in a better place to be able to talk.
I so want a "Do Over" card right now...
I'll add this here instead of starting a new post...
ReplyDeleteAfter getting this advice from other mom's on GoArmyParents.com, I think I will write out my feelings about this and send it to him, even though he said not to bother since he won't be getting any mail anymore. He's going out in the field for 6 days and then when he gets back it's 8 days til graduation. BUT I'm going to do it anyway, you never know...it could make it there in time. I'll also make a copy to give him just in case he doesn't get it by graduation.
I do feel better this morning, although not much. I'm not going to let it effect my day though. I'll write my thoughts out and then get them in the mail box and get back to moving forward with life.
I think I felt guilty before he called for spending so much time on a crisis going on here. I keep feeling like, no matter how bad it is here, I should have been able to keep up writing one letter a day. As my friend pointed out last night though...I was pushing to do that on a good day. Doing it while renovating a house at light speed (our date to have to move got pushed up by three months, to RIGHT after I leave for Mike's graduation) so everything has to be done before I leave, and I'm doing about 98% of it by myself, while homeschooling two girls, being a gymnastics mom and packing up 3000 sq feet of "stuff" that we so don't need and that won't fit into 900 sq ft...I might MIGHT be a tad strained for time and most definitely strained in the emotional department. This was a non-military friend so she has NO clue how much just being the parent of a Soldier in training is an emotional rollercoaster on it's own, but she did see that his phone call really pushed me over the edge of being able to keep it all inside.
I think I need to get this month over with and then go spend a week in Key West drinking margarita's and watching the waves go by...of course, I might just decide to stay there, but we'll deal with that when the time comes. LOL
Thanks again for letting me vent and spew my problems with life. It seems that not many people have even the slightest concept of the extreme levels of emotions involved with being an Army parent/spouse/sibling. Trying to do this AND deal with life can sometimes just be too much to deal with alone.
Thanks again! You guys are awesome!
Hang in there Army mom. I like the idea of writing him a note. Keep your chin up, and maybe we should organize a huge Blue Star mother's meet up on a beach somewhere -- anywhere, and make Margaritas the only drink available. Well, Ok, chocolate martini's too, but that's it!
ReplyDeletea Blue Star Mom's Beach Conference sounds mighty good to me!! LOL
ReplyDeleteAnd chocolate anything is a MUST! :)