Military Family Members and Anticipatory Grief

Wow. There's a name for it! And now I feel like I can attack it, if I know that it's there.

I mean, I KNEW it was there because of how everyone I know looks at me. Like they wish they could say or do something to make me better but they are afraid that no matter what they say/do...I'll start leaking again.

I hate that I make others feel uncomfortable around me when they only want me to be me again.

I opened GoArmyParents.com today and found this article posted and thought, "AHA! IT'S NOT JUST ME! I'M NOT GOING INSANE!!!"

So since it's not just me and I thought others might not be aware that THEY aren't the only ones going through it, I thought I'd share:

Anticipatory Grief by Kristin Henderson

While my husband, a Navy chaplain, was in Iraq with the Marines, I imagined a knock at my door. I imagined uniformed Marines telling me that my husband was dead. I imagined the funeral. I did this regularly until my husband was safely home in my arms.

I thought I was the only one with such a morbid imagination until I began researching my book about military families, "While They're at War." Chaplain Jeffrey Watters described how he and other chaplains on Fort Bragg, NC, had noticed a wave of grief sweeping through the families on the homefront.

"They were exhibiting the same symptoms as those who are grieving over a loved one with a terminal illness," Watters told me. Then he listed the symptoms.

My mouth dropped open. I'd had many of those symptoms during my husband's deployment. I had cried in the shower, sometimes felt like I couldn't get enough air, and one day in church had an almost uncontrollable urge to get up and run out. Not only did I not know all this craziness had a name -- anticipatory grief -- I didn't know there were techniques to cope with it.

It turns out that anticipatory grief is common among homefront families during a wartime deployment. We're so afraid of losing the one we love that our bodies start to react as if they're already dead. The symptoms include:
-- tightness in the throat or chest
-- shortness of breath
-- sensitivity to loud noises
-- forgetfulness and difficulty concentrating
-- agitation and restlessness, like an anxiety attack
-- extreme hunger or lack of appetite
-- crying jags
-- headaches
-- insomnia
-- drug use or excessive drinking

Grief is nothing to be ashamed of. It's a normal human emotion, and grieving people typically move through five phases: denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance and hope. Not everyone experiences all these phases, and they may not occur in that order. But any of those responses are normal, even if the one you love is alive and kicking.

Continue reading the rest of the article here...

Countdown has begun

Mike deploys soon and my brain has begun the countdown. Every morning when I wake up... " ___ days until Mike leaves" plays in my head.

He seems to be handling the upcoming event as well as can be expected. He's on a bit of a roller-coaster. He fluxuates from being gung-ho to being pissed at the world for various things. Don't think this is new though, Mike's been pissed at the world for at least the last 7 years. Maybe longer. I do think this is a very emotional event for a group of guys who are being taught to kick emotion aside and deal with the facts at hand. From my point of view he is sort of purging his anger and getting it out of the way while it's still safe. I have a feeling it won't be back once he leaves US soil.

He's a good kid, er, I guess it's Man now, isn't it? He's a good man with a good head on his shoulders. I am sure he's going to be just fine.

I'll still worry, of course. That's my job, isn't it?

:)

We got a few letters today

I haven't written in a couple days due to running out of stamps and money and energy...tomorrow I'm going to buy lots of books of stamps and send out Mike's care package with prestamped envelopes and writing paper.

I'm excessively tired lately and I've not been able to keep up with anything here. I am trying to do too much and need to sit on my butt for one day and just read and relax. BAHAHAHAHA!! Like that will happen.

I'm still working but had to write something since my brain won't stop going over it...one of his letters had the dreaded sentence, "It's starting to look like we will be shipping out to Iraq or Afghanistan right after training." Now I know that was expected. I mean, he's in the Army, right? What else are they going to do with him?? But I was also thinking he was going back to PA after training for a while before he got any kind of orders to ship out of the country. And I didn't want to hear it. Period. I did start tearing up when I read that...but...then it stopped. I've not started crying yet. That worries me. It could get really ugly later. I'll be needing some serious blogtherapy later.

For now, I'm behind on work and need to feed kids and rescue the cat from the dog...so I will be back later!

Happy Birthday Mike!!!

My son is officially 20 now. Happy Birthday Kid! :D

This has become quite the consuming thought for the last few hours. He's 20. It's his birthday. I don't even know what he's doing for sure. I'm positive he's not doing what he used to do on his birthday. I doubt the Army lets you sit around playing video games while you chat with 50 friends and eat Doritos.

My friends are trying to cheer me up. I hate to be down in the dumps but it's hard to kick the crappy mood today.

I keep wondering if he'll even call me at all. or write. I'll take a letter. I just want to know that he's ok.

I keep writing when I'm tired. I think that's when I lose control of my ability to suck it up and just roll with it. I need to post when I'm awake, alert and (hopefully) in a good mood.


I'm not sure why this is so different from him being up in PA, 1800 miles away. Of course, up there he had his dad's family to support him (not that they all did but some were there for him). He was working a really good full time job, AND driving a tow truck to help out his friend (no pay - just tips) AND he was a volunteer fire fighter. He also raced ATVs and Motorcycles when he could. He is not the kind of person to just sit and be safe. BUT he did call me at least every other day, sometimes he'd call every day for 4 days in a row. If he didn't call, I'd see him online.

I know that no one can guarantee that anyone is going to be safe. Even civilians get hurt or even die every day doing "safe" things. I guess I just have to leave it up to a higher power than myself to do what needs to be done. And I'll also have to learn to live with it.

I know he's busy but...

I sure wish I could just hear Mike telling me that he's ok and that things are going well for him.

I think I am doing pretty well during the daytime, but when I start to get tired...watch out! I get really depressed about this whole thing. I guess when pride overrides fear completely I'll stop sounding so whiney.

Maybe.

I really am proud of him. I feel bad that he thought he had no support from his dad and step-mom. I know he sounded mighty ticked off shortly after he told them he enlisted. I guess his step-mom has been pretty crappy to him the whole time he's known her, but his dad's reaction really hurt him I think. Why do people care more about their own feelings than their kids feelings? I never got that. I mean, sure I'm scared to freaking death that something is going to happen to Mike. BUT He's just gone off to fight for OUR country, something he did not have to do. HE CHOSE it. That's something to be PROUD of dammit! And you know he needed support before he left, not stress!! God forbid something happens to him and the last thing he remembers is being mad at his dad for not supporting him 100%. I can relate to not wanting to lose him, but I can also relate to taking those big steps and doing something you believe in, no matter how dangerous. No, I wasn't in the military but I did everything in my life on my own, and sometimes you gotta pull some courage out of places you didn't know you had...it just helps if you have someone behind you giving you a little bit of their courage when you can't find yours.

I did mention I was tired, right? I think I'm babbling.

Later all,

:)

Mike's sisters are feeling the stress now

We are having problems with Mike's 9 year old sister acting out and I'm not sure if it's the stress of me being so unpredictable lately (could start crying for what she thinks is no reason) or if she's just scared something will happen to him. She was pretty quick and figured out the risk involved before he left for Basic Training.

I think I need to start finding some other outlets for them. They were supposed to be writing to Mike every day but they keep avoiding it. I'm fairly sure they are afraid to open up right now.

I keep trying to tell them he's fine (and myself too). I mean, he's at Basic Training...ok, so he's sleep deprived, physically exhausted and being stripped of all but the most basic of emotions...but he's still in the country, and he's got medical care nearby if something does happen. So...technically, he should be fine. Right? (ok, I'm not convincing myself here. LOL )

Well, we have 2 hours of gymnastics practice to race off to. I'm going to try to get through one practice without looking like a sad sack. I'm gonna smile! A lot! Of course, then they might think I've lost it...but whatever.

I'm in control of my own little hell here, I might as well try to make it bearable.

Later!! :)