Military Family Members and Anticipatory Grief

Wow. There's a name for it! And now I feel like I can attack it, if I know that it's there.

I mean, I KNEW it was there because of how everyone I know looks at me. Like they wish they could say or do something to make me better but they are afraid that no matter what they say/do...I'll start leaking again.

I hate that I make others feel uncomfortable around me when they only want me to be me again.

I opened GoArmyParents.com today and found this article posted and thought, "AHA! IT'S NOT JUST ME! I'M NOT GOING INSANE!!!"

So since it's not just me and I thought others might not be aware that THEY aren't the only ones going through it, I thought I'd share:

Anticipatory Grief by Kristin Henderson

While my husband, a Navy chaplain, was in Iraq with the Marines, I imagined a knock at my door. I imagined uniformed Marines telling me that my husband was dead. I imagined the funeral. I did this regularly until my husband was safely home in my arms.

I thought I was the only one with such a morbid imagination until I began researching my book about military families, "While They're at War." Chaplain Jeffrey Watters described how he and other chaplains on Fort Bragg, NC, had noticed a wave of grief sweeping through the families on the homefront.

"They were exhibiting the same symptoms as those who are grieving over a loved one with a terminal illness," Watters told me. Then he listed the symptoms.

My mouth dropped open. I'd had many of those symptoms during my husband's deployment. I had cried in the shower, sometimes felt like I couldn't get enough air, and one day in church had an almost uncontrollable urge to get up and run out. Not only did I not know all this craziness had a name -- anticipatory grief -- I didn't know there were techniques to cope with it.

It turns out that anticipatory grief is common among homefront families during a wartime deployment. We're so afraid of losing the one we love that our bodies start to react as if they're already dead. The symptoms include:
-- tightness in the throat or chest
-- shortness of breath
-- sensitivity to loud noises
-- forgetfulness and difficulty concentrating
-- agitation and restlessness, like an anxiety attack
-- extreme hunger or lack of appetite
-- crying jags
-- headaches
-- insomnia
-- drug use or excessive drinking

Grief is nothing to be ashamed of. It's a normal human emotion, and grieving people typically move through five phases: denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance and hope. Not everyone experiences all these phases, and they may not occur in that order. But any of those responses are normal, even if the one you love is alive and kicking.

Continue reading the rest of the article here...