Military Family Members and Anticipatory Grief

Wow. There's a name for it! And now I feel like I can attack it, if I know that it's there.

I mean, I KNEW it was there because of how everyone I know looks at me. Like they wish they could say or do something to make me better but they are afraid that no matter what they say/do...I'll start leaking again.

I hate that I make others feel uncomfortable around me when they only want me to be me again.

I opened GoArmyParents.com today and found this article posted and thought, "AHA! IT'S NOT JUST ME! I'M NOT GOING INSANE!!!"

So since it's not just me and I thought others might not be aware that THEY aren't the only ones going through it, I thought I'd share:

Anticipatory Grief by Kristin Henderson

While my husband, a Navy chaplain, was in Iraq with the Marines, I imagined a knock at my door. I imagined uniformed Marines telling me that my husband was dead. I imagined the funeral. I did this regularly until my husband was safely home in my arms.

I thought I was the only one with such a morbid imagination until I began researching my book about military families, "While They're at War." Chaplain Jeffrey Watters described how he and other chaplains on Fort Bragg, NC, had noticed a wave of grief sweeping through the families on the homefront.

"They were exhibiting the same symptoms as those who are grieving over a loved one with a terminal illness," Watters told me. Then he listed the symptoms.

My mouth dropped open. I'd had many of those symptoms during my husband's deployment. I had cried in the shower, sometimes felt like I couldn't get enough air, and one day in church had an almost uncontrollable urge to get up and run out. Not only did I not know all this craziness had a name -- anticipatory grief -- I didn't know there were techniques to cope with it.

It turns out that anticipatory grief is common among homefront families during a wartime deployment. We're so afraid of losing the one we love that our bodies start to react as if they're already dead. The symptoms include:
-- tightness in the throat or chest
-- shortness of breath
-- sensitivity to loud noises
-- forgetfulness and difficulty concentrating
-- agitation and restlessness, like an anxiety attack
-- extreme hunger or lack of appetite
-- crying jags
-- headaches
-- insomnia
-- drug use or excessive drinking

Grief is nothing to be ashamed of. It's a normal human emotion, and grieving people typically move through five phases: denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance and hope. Not everyone experiences all these phases, and they may not occur in that order. But any of those responses are normal, even if the one you love is alive and kicking.

Continue reading the rest of the article here...

Countdown has begun

Mike deploys soon and my brain has begun the countdown. Every morning when I wake up... " ___ days until Mike leaves" plays in my head.

He seems to be handling the upcoming event as well as can be expected. He's on a bit of a roller-coaster. He fluxuates from being gung-ho to being pissed at the world for various things. Don't think this is new though, Mike's been pissed at the world for at least the last 7 years. Maybe longer. I do think this is a very emotional event for a group of guys who are being taught to kick emotion aside and deal with the facts at hand. From my point of view he is sort of purging his anger and getting it out of the way while it's still safe. I have a feeling it won't be back once he leaves US soil.

He's a good kid, er, I guess it's Man now, isn't it? He's a good man with a good head on his shoulders. I am sure he's going to be just fine.

I'll still worry, of course. That's my job, isn't it?

:)

I've been keeping busy here

Michelle is sick this week and has somehow taken over my schedule. I think I might be feeling some guilt for not spending as much time with the kids as I should and I've gone too far in the wrong direction. Or maybe I just needed some extreme kid cuddle time. Anyway, she's feeling better and now I have to get back on track.

We are probably moving in about 2 months, and I have to get my butt up to the other house to get it in livable condition before I have to start moving furniture there. This is going to be a very interesting adventure. Due to crappy economy here, we are moving from 2400 sq ft. to 900 sq. ft. It's a temporary move until we can get things stable and then I'm finding a farm and planting my butt. I need some nature. This whole beach thing ain't all it's cracked up to be. Maybe if I had about 100 acres on the Gulf of Mexico that could sustain horses and a boat dock to go do some educational dives every day....THEN I'd be thrilled to live so close to water. But this is concrete and a man made beach, it's just not the same.

I'm writing to Mike tonight and sending pics of the new dog. I had to go get batteries today and now...I can't find my camera. I'll have to write my letter and wait til morning to get the pics. The girls had the camera, so I'll just wait til they are awake and ask them. The chaos of an impending move has the girls area of the house upside down (I'm slowing weeding out unused items and taking them to be donated.) It's not worth searching for it now.

I can't tell you how relieved I am to have heard from Mike. I felt so incredibly disconnected before we got letters from him. Like the bond that he and I have had since his birth was snipped and I was feeling a bit panicky. I'm not sure that makes sense to anyone, but it's the best description I could come up with.

Ok, got to get some work done. Thanks for listening to me spew my thoughts.

:)

Another letter came today!

Mike wrote to his sisters, and they are thrilled! They are both writing back right now.

He did send an address for us to send mail to him now. So now we can write to him!!! Woohoo!!

I also just looked up how to get there, it's only 13 hours by car. And our route goes past Stone Mountain, Nashville, and then he's close to Churchill Downs so we can go check that out. (I'm a big horse junkie).

He says graduation is in November. No date yet, but I'm ecstatic with any information at this point so we'll just go with that...

:)

Mike's sisters are feeling the stress now

We are having problems with Mike's 9 year old sister acting out and I'm not sure if it's the stress of me being so unpredictable lately (could start crying for what she thinks is no reason) or if she's just scared something will happen to him. She was pretty quick and figured out the risk involved before he left for Basic Training.

I think I need to start finding some other outlets for them. They were supposed to be writing to Mike every day but they keep avoiding it. I'm fairly sure they are afraid to open up right now.

I keep trying to tell them he's fine (and myself too). I mean, he's at Basic Training...ok, so he's sleep deprived, physically exhausted and being stripped of all but the most basic of emotions...but he's still in the country, and he's got medical care nearby if something does happen. So...technically, he should be fine. Right? (ok, I'm not convincing myself here. LOL )

Well, we have 2 hours of gymnastics practice to race off to. I'm going to try to get through one practice without looking like a sad sack. I'm gonna smile! A lot! Of course, then they might think I've lost it...but whatever.

I'm in control of my own little hell here, I might as well try to make it bearable.

Later!! :)